Tag: parenting

The Slow Burn – Happy Mother’s Day

They say parenthood changes you the minute your child is born. I used to think the same thing. Here’s a little secret though. It didn’t for me. There was an evolution. And while it certainly started the day I found out I was going to be a parent, it was a slow burn to appreciate a parent’s love. It still is an evolution.  Every day deepens the love I have for my child.  I wish I could say it was instantaneous, but it wasn’t. And that’s ok.  I can imagine Shani feels similar.

They also say that behind every successful man, there is a great woman.  That is not true.  It’s rarely ever just one great woman.  I can list many, including the young lady my daughter is becoming.  These women didn’t just support me.  They pushed me.  They made me grow.  They aren’t the supporting cast.  They are among the leaders I have followed in this life.

I’ve had the privilege to watch my beautiful wife evolve into an even more beautiful mother. She is not the same woman I married. She’s better. She inspires me to be a better father. She doesn’t let me stay in stagnant in what I am. Instead, she shows me what I can be.  On this Mother’s Day, I offer my love, respect, and admiration for this remarkable woman. Happy Mother’s Day to each of you that impact the lives of your children and families, the way Shani does for us.

 

 

You’ve Changed! – Embracing Growth

Have you ever had someone tell you, “You have changed?”  Someone who tells you that you’re just not the same person you used to be.  My typical first reaction to such accusations has been to vehemently deny, often offering a counter accusation.  I haven’t changed, you are the one who has changed!  The reality is that it usually, it’s a far more difficult reality.  Usually, both people are right.

The reality for me is that I have changed.  I am not the same 18-year-old kid that tried to convince my mother that I was going to take a year off before starting college.  I am not the same 21-year-old who decided to leave college in my Junior year to start my first career.  I am not the same 20 something that tied my entire identity to that career.  I’m not the same young man that mailed it in through too many broken relationships.

Oh, I have certainly changed.  I changed when I realized that my career didn’t define me.  I changed when I realized that finishing what I started really was important.  I changed when I learned that not aligning my actions with my words carried real consequences.  I changed when I became directly responsible for protecting, teaching and caring for a brand new human being.

All the while I am, in many ways, still the goofy kid I used to be.  At my core, I’m still kind, compassionate and thoughtful.  I have never stopped being curious.  I have never stopped learning and growing.

Grappling with this paradox often presents great challenges.  We outgrow relationships with others.  What we once did for fun we stop doing, replaced by other priorities and desires.  We grow up and we mature.  We learn and we define ourselves, busting out of molds made for us by others.  If we do it right, we embrace where we want to go, while never forgetting where we have been.

There few constants in this world.  We live.  We die.  We change.  Never run away from change.  It remains the only vehicle for us to grow up.

You Can’t Fire the Boss’s Kid – Using Humor to Help Keep Parenting In Perspective

Being a father is the most difficult endeavor I’ve yet to experience.  While it certainly is rewarding and I wouldn’t trade a moment for anything, it has equally provided me with the most frustrating moments of my life.  One of my most reliable coping mechanisms for that frustration, exhaustion and mental anguish involved in parenting is humor.  I’ve actually found it a valuable coping mechanism for many other of life’s challenges I’ve experienced.

For instance, a while back I searched for the humor in a frustrating moment in parenting.  Looking back, I can’t remember what my daughter had done to act as a catalyst for the mind musings.  It could have been one of the countless times that she totally neglected to take care of her household responsibilities.  It could have been the flooding of her bathroom floor to enable her to slip around like she was ice skating.  The calamities all run together at times. But I digress.

This particular attempt to diffuse the “Dad’s head is going to explode” episode with humor, I came to a realization that my day job’s work of managing a team of employees is noticeably similar to raising a child.  Here was my conclusion:

Raising a child is in essence like managing a semi-belligerant employee who is on a continuous performance improvement plan.  Except you can’t fire the employee, because they are the boss’s kid.  You are just stuck with them until they put in their 18 years and start drawing their college pension.

That’s all it took to diffuse whatever ill feeling I was experience at the time.  Some times, you just have to laugh.  Have you used humor in a similar way to help put things in perspective?  Tell me about your experiences!  Leave a comment below!

Who Is In Charge Here? – The Concept Behind The Curated Man

Merriam-Webster defines curator as “one who has the care and superintendence of something.”  Often, a curator is the title of one who oversees a collection, such as in a museum.  Many would argue that I belong in a museum; my body being the chief accuser. But, how does this contextually apply to this blog, The Curated Man?  Well, there has been one constant in my evolution as a human, a man.  There is one person who is ultimately responsible for the care and superintendence of me: me.

I chose the tile The Curated Man because…well, I’m a man.  The principle theory, of course, applies to all people, not just to men.  But, I am a man and my writing is filtered through a male lens.  I have no practical experience in being a woman and would never pretend to know what that experience is like; though I do try to think about the lenses others view life through.  Hence, The Curated Man was born.

I didn’t start life with the approach that I was curating myself.  In my teens, I struggled to focus on much past playing baseball, being in what could be loosely defined as a rock band and pretending to be cooler than I actually was.  In my twenties, I thought I had everything figured out, so why bother thinking of such profound concepts.  In my thirties, I realized I was wrong about nearly everything in my twenties and entered a brief period of self-pity and anger.  It wasn’t until I began my relationship with Shani and embarking on the parenting adventure, that I thought seriously about the concept of being the curator of myself and everything that it entails.

It would be too easy to say that meeting Shani caused a sudden and stark change in my acceptance of the gravity of the role I needed to play in my continued maturity.  It would be equally naive to say that the moment came when I became a father.  There are certainly correlations, but the connection to causation is sketchy.  No Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc arguments here. It was a process, one which I am still refining today.  Along the way, I’ve learned some simple yet sobering truths.  It has been equal parts pain and joy.  Most of all, it’s a journey which has just begun.

As I continue on this never-ending work, I invite you to join me.  Some days the words may be explorative and contemplative.  Other days may be light and riddled with humor and musings.  Maybe you’re on a similar journey.  Maybe you know someone else that is. Maybe you will share what you’ve learned through our own personal curation.  Maybe…just maybe, we’ll all get something out of the dialogue.  If you haven’t already, officially follow the blog.  If something resonates…hit like, share and tell me more about it.

 

 

Plug In, Monitor For Errors & Don’t Leave Unattended – The Undeniable Fear In Being A Parent

12 years ago next week, on a blistering hot March afternoon, Shani and I put a brand new baby girl in a car sea and ushered her to her new home. At the time I remember thinking that it can’t be this simple for first time parents to leave the hospital with a newborn infant. Nobody inspected the car we were leaving in. Nobody ensured the rear facing car seat was properly installed. There were no licensees to apply for and no one reassuring us that we were going to be okay. It was more like releasing a rescued marine mammal back into the ocean. Go…be free!

The fear involved with parenting has yet to go away. No, it is very much still there today. We won’t even discuss the fear associated with 7 preteen girls taking over our home tonight for “S’s” birthday sleep over extravaganza. I’m talking about the deeply embedded fear that somehow, I’m not doing the whole fatherhood thing right. That same fear I felt 12 years ago while buckling my daughter into her car seat.

The only solace I’m usually able to find is the rational understanding that there is no technical manual to follow on how to be a good dad. Show me an expert on fatherhood and I’ll show you a fool. Yes, there are some underlying principles that can guide us on how to raise healthy and well adjusted children. But those principles are akin to an instruction manual for an appliance telling us to plug it in, monitor for error messages and don’t leave them unattended for too long. Each model we bring into the world is unique and is influenced by far too many variables to accurately give us a proper set of instructions.

Dads (and Moms), it is okay to feel like you don’t know all the right decisions to make. Sometimes, the best we can do is to know ourselves. After all, the little creature occupying your home is part of you and your personality. You can model behavior consistent with your values and you can love. You can provide them with the safety to learn their own life lessons. You can realize that the majority of the hard work involved in turning our children in to successful and caring adults, lies with the child and the decisions they will make. They will ultimately decide how to curate themselves. Somehow, we as parents will need to learn to accept this.

Happy Birthday “S”! One day you may read this and realize how lost Dad felt at times. Someday you’ll figure out that I plugged you in, monitored for errors and didn’t leave you unattended for too long. Someday, perhaps you will experience the same journey.

I’d like to hear from you! Do you have parenting fears or question whether you’re doing it right? Do you have any sage advice to offer as I continue on my own unique journey?

You Give Songs A Bad Name

There are days where the common ground between parent and child becomes alarmingly small. Today was one of them for me. Billy Joel is in concert tonight in Phoenix. Shani and I had discussed catching his show a few months ago, but we had decided it wasn’t that high of a priority for us at the time. We decided to check closer to the show and see if our minds would change.

This morning, we were in the car with “S” and the subject of tonight’s show came up. Shani asked if I wanted to go. She also asked “S”. The kid’s response was unequivocally a no. Of course, we pushed and asked her why she wasn’t interested. Her answer was as funny as it was disheartening to her middle aged parents:

“I only like one of his songs…You Give Love A Bad Name.”

After a hearty laugh, I pointed out to the child that Bon Jovi sings that, not Billy Joel. A touch embarrassed, she did point out that both have the initials BJ. The humor took a little sting off the reminder of the generation gap between father and daughter.

We didn’t go to the concert. Revenge was served a few hours later when we played Billy Joel songs throughout dinner.