Tag: parenting

Be Proud: Why it is important to be a queer ally

I’m usually pretty cautious about how much personal information I share here. Unlike my personal Facebook account, this blog is open to the entire world to ingest. I am, at my core, a private person. I recognize the irony associated with me sharing certain portions of my life with whoever may stumble across my writing. It’s not lost on me. But I control what is shared. It’s curated information. Today, I want to peel back the onion a little further and share something else with you. Anyone who has followed along with my writing knows that I am a parent. My daughter recently turned 17, and is academically and artistically gifted. She is a theater performer. As she is currently finishing up her Junior year of high school, she is busy determining where she wants to attend college after high school graduation. To say that her mother and I are proud of the kind and whipsmart human being she is turning into is a gross understatement. Oh…and she’s gay.

While the last tidbit of information provides you no context as to the makeup of her character, it does provide context for the purpose of this blog post. Recently, a professional football player from the NFL Champion Kansas City Chiefs gave the keynote address at Benedictine College’s graduation ceremony. I won’t go into all the details of the address in this post (you can watch the video here), but he was critical of the NFL’s position on recognizing LGBTQ+ issues and celebrating the community. He also shared his thoughts on the most important accomplishments women could attain, but that’s a whole other issue. Needless to say, as the father of a gay, soon-to-be college student, his remarks hit close to home. As a representative of the NFL, he sent a message to my daughter. It was not one of inclusiveness.

I’ll be the first to acknowledge that my daughter is not a lover of sports. That is not necessarily relevant to the purpose of this post. What is important is that this accomplished athlete sent a message to the entire queer community: You are not worthy to be celebrated. I know he didn’t say those exact words, but that’s what was communicated. It’s a message I’ve heard all too often. Why must LGBTQ+ Pride events be thrust upon my life? After all, there are no Heterosexual Pride nights in professional sports. To be honest, there was a time in my life when I asked the same question.

So, why is it important for businesses, professional sports organizations, and even public entities to promote LGBTQ+ Pride events? Why is it important to be inclusive? Why is it important for gay allies to be vocal in their support of the community? That’s what I want to articulate in this post.

Let’s start by answering the question of why there are no Straight Pride events. The answer? They are simply not needed. As a straight guy, I can tell you at no time in my life has anyone tried to shame me for being straight. There was no stigma growing up. NFL placekickers never stood up and said there is no room for straight guys in football. I’m fortunate to have several queer friends. Never has one asked me why I’m straight. Never has anyone insinuated that my character is in some way flawed because of who I’m sexually attracted to. My daughter cannot say the same thing.

As progressive as society has become, the LGBTQ+ community is still on the receiving end of an effort to shame who they are. My daughter has queer friends who are not fully accepted by their families. She has friends that are not publicly out, due to the fear of how their peers will react. The truth is that there are still legitimate concerns a queer person may have in not being open about who they are. As long as there are NFL placekickers out there who espouse beliefs that it is shameful to be gay, there is a need for society to offer some counter-programming. This is why the NFL recognizes there is a need to celebrate the LGBTQ+ community. There is a need to tell the roughly one in ten people in this world who are queer, that you can be proud of who you intrinsically are. There is a need for Pride events. Want a world free of Pride? Create a world where it is not necessary.

I recognize that some hold deeply held religious beliefs and that part of those beliefs center on the inappropriateness of homosexuality. I’m not here to tell anyone that their beliefs are wrong. That said, those same people have no scriptural problem eating a cheeseburger or condone selling their daughters into slavery. Those acts are also delineated in the same religious text that decries homosexuality as an abomination to God. I’ll let them rationalize that for themselves. The point is that nobody wants to force anyone else to be gay. In fact, you can’t force someone to be gay, any more than you can force someone to be straight. Acknowledging that roughly 10% of the world’s population is queer isn’t promoting the “spread” of its existence. It’s just science.

I’m glad the NFL promotes inclusiveness as part of their business. I’m appreciative of any entity that recognizes that my daughter should not be ashamed to be who she is. The LGBTQ+ community continues to need allies. As long as people are critical of such efforts, I’ll be there to lend my voice in support. As long as a child doesn’t feel accepted in their own family’s home, they will know they are accepted and loved in mine.

Parenting The Personality: How to not lose your cool when your children are not like you.

I strongly believe that you find what you’re looking for in life. Some refer to this as the Tetris Effect. Simply put, we seek out things that are at the forefront of our conscious thoughts. When I purchased my first, new car, I distinctly remember thinking that I hadn’t spotted many of that make and model on the roads. However, that perception changed as soon as I drove the car off the lot. Suddenly, I started noticing every car of that make and model. It seemed as though they were everywhere. I had been actively searching for them.

Recently, I’ve been thinking and writing about our individual personalities. Sure enough, the more I think about how personalities influence our relationships in every aspect of life, the more I recognize the force personalities exert on our interactions with each other. This is especially true with those I’m closest to; those I know the best. Case in point, parenting my 16-year-old daughter.

As I’ve written about before, my MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) is INFJ. I’m an introverted (I), big-picture thinker (N) who views the world through feeling the human experience (F). When I make a decision, it’s after a lot of introspection and thinking about the impact those decisions have on those around me. When I do make a decision, I want closure (J). When I make plans, I don’t want them to change. And if they do change, I want three backup plans waiting in the wings.

My wife is an ISTJ. She’s introverted, just like I am. She lives in the minute details of life (S) and uses past experiences to best predict what will happen next (T). She has a determination to finish a job like nobody I’ve ever met before (J). She craves that closure. Now, let’s look at our daughter.

The child is an ENFP. She’s an extrovert and relies on interacting with the outside world to understand it (E). Like me, she’s a big-picture thinker (N) who views the world through feeling the human experience (F). However, where our child differs from us the most is in that last classification. The child prefers to fly by the seat of her pants (P). She’s brilliant; however, as her parents, we are constantly terrified because we are always questioning whether she’s planning for life appropriately. We perceive her preference to leave her options open until the last minute as being completely chaotic.

How does this manifest itself in real-world application as her parents? Let’s first look at how she approaches time management. At times, our daughter wants to do it all. She’s currently involved in two separate theater productions, taking three Advanced Placement classes at school, and attempts to lead a vibrant social life outside of those commitments. If her mother or I attempted to take on that much, we would approach things in different ways to manage the stress associated with that level of commitment. Though her mother and I would approach the management of that stress in a very structured way, seeking closure of individual tasks (J), the child is most comfortable making decisions at the last possible point in her thinking process. What would drive us crazy, allows her to feel most at ease. Here are two examples:

  • A musical artist recently announced a world tour. The child, and most of her friends, dutifully signed up for the pre-sale lottery. That was the extent of her planning. When she discovered this week that she had been chosen for the pre-sale lottery, she excitedly shared the news with us (E). Tickets would go on sale at 3 PM the next day. Of course, this led to a myriad of questions from us. How much are tickets? How are you going to pay for this? You want to go with friends, are they ready to fork over money tomorrow at 3 PM? You have rehearsal at 3PM tomorrow, how are you going to buy the tickets? All questions you would expect from parents who plan. Spoiler Alert: She hadn’t thought those things through.
  • My wife and I require an organized environment to feel most at ease (J). While never immaculate, our home is almost always tidy and put together. My wife specializes in organizing the minute details of our finances and planning our family activities. I ensure the kitchen stays clean after every meal and we always have clean clothes to wear. We both are methodical in completing these activities and do not tend to rest if there are loose ends. Enter our daughter, stage left. Our methodical approach to closure is completely foreign to the child’s spontaneous self. She loves to create. On a whim, she’ll head into the kitchen and without much guidance, start baking a cake. Once completed with the baking, it’s on to her next creative endeavor. The path of destruction left in the kitchen simply does not stress her out. She’ll get to it. Maybe. Eventually. If she doesn’t, it’s not causing her much stress from the lack of order and closure. Who is this alien?

None of this means that we don’t guide our daughter through things that are challenging. We are 100% invested in her creative pursuits. However, we recognize that a person cannot successfully navigate life while only focusing on their primary strengths and traits. Planning for contingencies can be very useful. Reaching closure on items is oftentimes necessary in life. Just ask your boss about that one. What understanding our daughter’s personality preferences helps us with is in reducing the frustration when the willful imp starts to blaze her own trail and do things herself. Her loose affiliation with sound time management techniques doesn’t mean that she’s doing things wrong. It just means that she does it differently than we do.

It’s no surprise that I encourage all parents to know their own MBTI, as well as those of their parenting partner and their children. I also encourage that we help our children understand their own MBTI. While personality isn’t the sole influencer of human behavior, it is a cornerstone to understanding the dynamic nature of human relationships. What is your own personality type? What about your significant other and children? How have personality types impacted your own familial relationships?

Don’t Stop at Equality. Seek Equity.

Imagine that you are part of a group with diverse interests and goals? It shouldn’t be hard to conjure up this scenario in your mind. Are you on a team at work or have siblings? Now, imagine you are leading that group of people. Maybe you’re their Manager at work. Perhaps, you are a parent of multiple children. Those diverse interests and goals can be quite a challenge to motivate those you lead. Let’s talk about a concept that should make those challenges easier; striving for equity instead of equality.

Let’s begin by establishing some simple definitions of equality and equity. Equality means that every individual or group of individuals is provided the same benefit or opportunity. If one person gets free tickets to an event such as a baseball game, everyone is provided the same benefit. That’s equality. Equality is great, right?

In contrast, equity accounts for the understanding that every member of that group has different needs, interests, and goals. Let’s look at the free tickets again. What if a member of the group doesn’t like baseball? Is that person going to view free tickets to an event they have no interest in going to as a benefit? Not only is the answer no; the person who doesn’t want the free tickets could view it as a negative obligation. This benefit is equal, but it’s certainly not equitable. It could actually have a detrimental effect on the individual’s motivation. We’re left with the realization that equality has some significant blind spots.

I can’t count the number of parents and leaders that I’ve met who take pride in stating that they lead with the principle that everyone is treated the same. While equality is a vital precondition for equity to occur, it oftentimes falls short when managing diverse people. We should be striving to provide equity amongst those we lead.

As leaders, this means we have to invest our energy in understanding those we lead. What motivates them? This is a cornerstone of leading. If you can’t articulate what motivates those you lead, it’s going to be a very turbulent experience for you. Don’t assume that money is the principle motivating factor for your employees. It is generally accepted in the business world that monetary compensation is categorized as a hygiene factor. In other words, it needs to be maintained at an acceptable level. It has to be enough. What employees really seek to become highly motivated is varied. It could be autonomy to do their job. It could be a sense of greater purpose. It could be work aligned with their special skill set. As leaders, our job is to recognize those motivating factors and tailor our interactions to best meet those individual needs.

The same applies to parenting. While there are certainly whole family activities that are necessary to form a group identity, it’s naive to believe you can treat each of your children equally and let that be enough. Each individual child is likely to be motivated by different experiences. If your child doesn’t like going to baseball games, taking that child to a baseball game with the family is probably not going to provide the parental capital you’re looking for. For the child, it could create a sense that their parents simply do not understand them. We simply cannot treat our children equally. We have to treat them equitably.

You can extrapolate this principle into just about any group scenario you can think of. You’re a CEO? Does your enterprise incorporate a diverse benefits package to provide equity to your employees? Are you a community leader? I guarantee you have people who have been marginalized, if not by a lack of equality, they certainly have by a lack of equity. Are you a parent of multiple children? Do you tailor family experiences around what the majority enjoys? Do you find equitable experiences for those in the minority?

What are your experiences with equality vs. equity? Can you think of a scenario where you could have provided more equity to those you lead? I want to hear about your experiences!

A Win is a Win

There are days that I worry about the connection I have with my daughter. I don’t pretend to believe that this is unique to me. I would imagine that there are plenty of fathers out there that struggle to connect with their 13 year old daughters. I also know that this is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t want to be my daughter’s best friend. It’s hard to be an effective parent when you’re focused on being your child’s friend. I know all of this, yet I still worry some days.

We share some common interests in music and the humanities. She’s a sensitive soul and beneath my hardened veneer, I very much am as well. Yet, as it almost always happens, I keep traversing further and further away from her orbit. Again, I rationally understand that this is expected. The pain is none the less real.

Thankfully, every now and then, I am reminded that I still occupy a space in her expanding universe. Last night, the three of us enjoyed a socially distanced dinner out to celebrate my birthday. Normally, this configuration will find our daughter sitting on the same side of the dining table as her mother, opposite of me. To be clear, this does not bother me in the least. I enjoy a little extra elbow room. Last night, she sat on my side of the table. On purpose. Because it was my birthday. She made a deliberate decision to sit next to me.

I know this may not seem like a ground breaking development. But it mattered to me. It mattered to this man that finds himself struggling more and more to remain relevant in his teenager’s world. I will take the win and I will place the trophy in the case to be revered in the days ahead, where wins may become an increased rarity.

The Balancing Act

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about balance. No, not how I manage to stay upright on two legs, but the balance between my professional and my personal life. I have been reflecting on how at various stages in my life, I’ve put more emphasis on one over the other. I’ve thought extensively about the price I have paid for those decisions.

All of this reckoning seems to bring up more and more questions. There are social expectations. There are familial obligations. There is the need to feel valuable to this world. It seems the more I think about what the “right” balance for me is, the deeper into the rabbit hole I dive. What was right in my twenties certainly isn’t what I believe is right today. How do I know if I have it right?

I don’t know the answer to a lot of these questions. I’ll keep asking. I am relatively certain that the answer will change from one person to the next. I’m also confident that the answer will change for me in the future. For now, I look both inward and outward to take the best reading I can, as to whether that balance is “right.” Am I still learning and growing? Do I feel content? I look inward. Do those around me seem content? Are they sending me signals of something being out of balance? I look outward.

Do you think about the work/life balance in your life? What do you use for your barometer? I want to hear from you!

Cheese Puffs, Fire and En Vino Veritas

It’s Saturday night, the first day of February 2020.  We live in Phoenix, Arizona; smack dab in the middle of the Sonoran Desert.  While the rest of North America is shut in their homes, huddled around a fireplace and sheltering from the cold of a typical American winter, we saw a high temperature of 74 degrees Fahrenheit.  While the sun is engaged in a never-ending game of hide-and-go-seek with most of the country, she is our constant companion, bathing us in a warmth that becomes the seasonal envy of millions of people.  Torture, I know.

After the sunset this evening, which was a brilliant show of oranges, purples, and reds painted across the horizon, I suggested to my wife that we open a bottle of wine.  To this, she readily agreed.  I then made my way into the desert oasis that is our back yard, started a fire in our fire pit and sat down under the moonlight.  All of this, with the hopes that my wife would soon follow me and we would enjoy a semi-romantic suburban night as we enjoy the best of what the vine has to offer. Things didn’t transpire as I planned, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

As I endeavored into my first glass of wine, I heard my daughter come downstairs and begin a conversation with my wife.  This, in and of itself, was a scenario that has become more and more infrequent, as our daughter refuses to stop growing up and has entered her teenage years.  Straight away, it was apparent that my wife and daughter had taken advantage of some peculiar alignment of the stars.  They were laughing and conspired to spend an evening of ill-advised dinner choices and a new Netflix release.  As I sat alone with my thoughts outside, they were eating cheese puffs and giggling like they were sisters, not parent and child.

As I sat outside alone, watching the flames of my fire lapping at the mild desert night air, I realized that I was right where I needed to be, and my wife was exactly where she needed to be.  While I sat alone by the fire, I was the furthest from being lonely that I could be.  As much as I relish my opportunities to be a couple with my spouse, tonight was a night that I needed to remain on the periphery.  No dad or husband contributions were required this evening, other than recognizing the magic that was happening inside the house.  Yes, I sat alone, but every giggle and statement of nonsense inside the house filled me with a contentment that I seem to be constantly in search of.

As I finish my second glass of wine tonight, relocated from the fire to my study, I set to capture the magic of this evening in this prose.  Though the evening hasn’t taken the direction I originally had chartered, it has none the less drawn me closer to my wife.  I realize that there are times, where the best I can contribute to our family dynamic is to step back and watch the magic develop around me.  I am thankful for this night and for the desert oasis that lives inside my own home.

Inspiration, Authenticity, and 7th-Grade Math

Writing is hard.  To be specific, finding and harnessing the inspiration to write is hard.  Granted, when compared to the more challenging feats of mankind (e.g. building pyramids, quantum physics, 7th-grade math), the prior statement can sound rather silly.  None the less, creating strings and blocks of words that somehow might resonate with the reader of those words is challenging.  As an illustration, I may or may not have just spent three hours composing this said block of words.

The reasons why this feat can seem daunting are as numerous as the reasons 7th-grade math flummoxes me.  To my chagrin, as well as my wife’s, I am not independently wealthy.  Quite simply, to keep my belly full and to fund my girls’ Disney travel dependency, full-time employment is my lot in life.  Add in life’s other obligations like human social interaction, finding the right motivators for a teenager (pretty sure the formula is X=Y+M x 4.21 + nothing works, what am I doing?) and household chores, and there are limited hours left in a day to sit down and make pretty words.

These obligations also leave little time for life’s more enriching moments.  Reading is a writer’s best friend.  Few writers can lay claim to inventing meaningful and profound words.  By and large, we try to recycle the good ones we’ve read somewhere.  I’ve found that I write most freely when I am able to lose myself in some realm of profound thinking. I have learned that profound thought is hard for me to achieve without the presentation of challenging ideas or breathing in the world’s beauty through a writer’s prose. Reading is one of the cornerstones of my own, personal curation.

I also found myself laboring to meet a self-imposed threshold of blog posts.  I was forcing the act of writing, creating content for content’s sake.  Much of what I was writing, both here and on my travel blog, became mechanical and cold.  It often lacked the authenticity required for resonation, offering advice where no advice was solicited.  All of this in the hopes of increasing the readership of my work.  In an effort to reach more people, I altered my own voice.

Life certainly has a way of entrenching itself in front of one’s more admirable pursuits. It has been no different for me these past few months.  It happens in part due to circumstances beyond our control and in no less part due to things that are.  And while this is certainly true with my absence of writing of late, perhaps this retreat has been what I needed to re-learn how to harness that elusive inspiration. Even the most precise instrument requires occasional re-calibration.  So I set forth in an attempt at a more organic writing experience.  I hope you hang around for this next leg of my meandering musings.

 

 

473,040,000 Seconds

473,040,000 seconds. I didn’t know fully what to expect that Summer day when you smiled at me. How could either of us appreciate the journey we were about to embark upon? Our plan was to simply have some fun in life, something we both needed as surely as we needed air to breathe. No, I didn’t know what to expect or what I was getting myself into. It scared me as much as it thrilled me.

Since that moment, I have watched us grow into full-fledged adults. We have laughed and we have done the hard things, neither of us naive enough to believe there aren’t more hard things to endure. The seconds that will follow still scare me as much as they thrill me.

378,432,000 of those seconds have been shared with you, in the grandest experiment to be imagined…parenthood. Part science project and part creation of art, the laughs have outnumbered the tears to this point. Somehow, we have managed to not screw the whole thing up, all the while growing closer to each other.

Neither of us were looking for these sublime seconds that we’ve shared since that Monday in June. Somewhere along the way, quietly and earnestly we decided to keep pulling in the same direction. And pull we have. A strange paradox has been created, where I can remember every one of those 473,040,000 seconds since you smiled at me, though it is difficult for me to imagine a second before, without you.

However we measure our time together, I’m thankful I get to measure it with you.

Are You A Leader? – Your Answer May Surprise You!

From a young age, I have been fascinated by the concept of leadership.  What makes a good leader?  What have renowned leaders done to achieve such regard?  This curiosity pulled me into a lot of informal study of leadership, even if I didn’t recognize that was what I was doing at the time.  Biographies still remain my favorite genre of books, especially those profiling and studying leaders of significance.

This eventually led to the choice of study for my graduate degree, earning a Master of Administration degree with an emphasis in leadership.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to exercise those principles in my occupational journies throughout the years.  More significant though, was realizing that leadership at work was but the tip of the iceberg.  The reality is that my most significant leadership opportunities have existed outside of a conference room.

To some extent, we all exert influence over others in life.  If you needed to break down the meaning of leadership to one word, I would offer that precise definition:  Influence.  And while the principles of leadership are far more complex and nuanced, influence is a fundamental building block. When you look at it from that perspective, it’s easy to see how all of us have the ability to seize an opportunity to display leadership abilities.  This leads me to my question for you…are you a leader?

It’s ok if the answer doesn’t immediately jump out at you.  But I believe it’s a question to spend some time thinking about.  After all, leadership does not equal being the boss.  It doesn’t mean someone gets their way and somebody else doesn’t.  In fact, leadership is about developing and communicating a joint vision and a plan to help you and others to achieve that vision.  Leadership is not a position and carries with it no legitimate authority.  One of the greatest foils of being a leader is selfishness.

With that understanding, I have no issue with saying that I’m a leader of my family.  And in turn, so is my spouse.  We learn from each other every day.  One of my jobs as a father is to take a vision and influence my daughter to see the same things I see.  And one day, to lead her to embrace the confidence to build and communicate her own vision.

So I ask you again…are you a leader?  If your answer is yes, what does that mean to you?  If you’re unsure, what are your thoughts about leadership means?  Share your thoughts by leaving a comment.  I want to hear from you.  As always, thank you for those that have taken the time to follow along and subscribe to The Curated Man.

I’m Not Going To Be That Dad – 4 Ways To Not Become The Overbearing Dad

Sometimes, when I reflect on what it means to be a father to a soon to be teenage daughter, the weight of that responsibility can seem a bit overwhelming.  There’s an internal struggle between a primal desire to protect her and a hopeful desire to see her blossom into the young woman I know she can be.  There is that constant tug and pull between protecting her from the world that can hurt her and allowing her to learn from her mistakes in order to thrive in that same world.  In the end, I strive to not become the overbearing dad while still providing her with as safe as an environment as is reasonable, to allow her to mess up and learn things for herself.  For me, it’s much easier in theory than it is in practice.

When the rubber meets the road, how does a man do this?  Here are four things that can help find that balance, hopefully alleviating some of that weight on our shoulders.

  • Be a good listener – There are going to be things your daughter isn’t going to talk to you about.  This goes for any parent, not just dads.  There are going to be subjects that you will be outright terrified to discuss with your little girl.  You’re a dad, you have to move past that.  While there are things you’re daughter will decide are off limits with you, it’s important to let her know that there is nothing off limits with you.  And you have to back that up with your actions and reinforce that message early and often.  Establishing that you’re there for anything, you’ll be surprised at what she will share with you!  And knowing what is happening in your daughter’s life is one of the fundamental elements to know when you might need to step in and keep her safe.

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Dad and his “little” girl

  • Accept her heart will be broken – Dad, the great protector.  I would run through a brick wall to protect my daughter’s emotional well being.  But, we can’t protect her from everything.  Trust me, your daughter will have her heart broken.  Whether it be a romantic interest, the ending of a friendship or some other disillusionment with life, people will hurt your kiddo.  But beware, this is a major opportunity to become the overbearing parent.  We have to accept that not only can we not prevent heartache, it is also vital for her to learn how to navigate the hurt.
  • Love – This is a verb.  Show her how a good man treats the people in his life.  If you’re married to her mother, model the behavior necessary for healthy relationships.  Your daughter is looking to you for examples and one day she will choose a partner in life, based on the expectations you have set. If you are no longer in a relationship with her mother, make sure your daughter knows you hold her in high esteem.  This can be hard but again, you’re teaching her that this is how a future partner behaves.  Teaching her how to break up with someone and move on from a relationship is just as important as demonstrating how to treat someone in a healthy one.
  • Protect when you must – At the end of the day, you’re still her parent.  You have lived through most of what she is going to experience.  When a truly dangerous or unhealthy situation presents itself (remember you’re going to convince her to talk to you about anything!),  you have to step in and keep her safe.  This is one of several reasons why you’re not going to be popular at times with her.  This is ok.  When she does make mistakes, and she will make them, remember the goal is to teach her better decision-making skills in the future so she can one day keep herself safe.  It’s ok to be disappointed and express that.  But it will be counterproductive to condemn her for making mistakes.

Dads, I would love to hear about your own experiences.  How have you managed to strike the balance between protecting and letting go?  I want to hear from you!