Tag: Men

Misfit

I am, at my core, a misfit. A well-disguised misfit, but a misfit nonetheless. What do I mean by a well-disguised misfit? I can pretend really well. I’ve become really good at pretending to be an extrovert. I’ve studied the Stoics and wrapped my arms around using logic and reason when solving problems. I’ve become pretty good at employing my elaborate masquerade, especially in work settings. Still, as adept as I’ve become at blending in with the rest of the world, more often than not, I struggle to feel like I belong and fit in with those around me.

Of course, there are exceptions. I never felt like I had to pretend with my parents. There have been a couple of jobs where I felt like I genuinely belonged. And for the past 19 years, I have had the fortune to be loved by an amazing woman. A woman who has been a refuge when I feel like the rest of the world just doesn’t understand me.

But why am I different? Why do I sometimes shut myself off from most of the people I know? Why can I calmly navigate a tragedy or crisis, but sometimes become an emotional mess when minor things don’t work out the way I planned? How can I see certain things about other people that others completely miss? Was I dropped as a baby? Am I simply an accumulation of my life experiences, shaping me into who I am today? Am I, at some level, a societal defect? While there may be some merit in exploring those hypotheses, my journal of self-awareness has me focused on another explanation. Is it possible that the answers to these questions have been under my nose my entire adult life?

I took my first Myers-Briggs assessment at 21, as part of my psychological evaluation when working my way through the hiring process to become a police officer. I was provided with my personality type, but nobody took the time to share with me what that meant. Throughout my career, I’ve taken other personality assessments. I’m a Blue. I’m a Dove. All the wisdom a 30-minute self-assessment could provide. While those exercises had some benefit, especially as I tried to learn about other people, nothing was presented on what those labels mean in relation to me and how I interact with the world. That all began to change a few months ago, when I revisited my Myers-Briggs personality type, INFJ-T. As I did more and more research into my personality type, I had an eureka moment. One particular explanation of the INFJ-T personality type made me question whether Oprah had conducted an exclusive interview with my psyche.

While personality type is not a fully comprehensive explanation as to “who” a person is, I do believe it is a cornerstone to understanding other people. It is a cornerstone to understanding ourselves. Personality doesn’t account for the nurture side of the nature vs. nurture debate. We are, at some level, a product of our experiences. But our personalities are the interface we use to relate to the world. An interface that determines how we react to the world.

How did learning more about my INFJ-T personality type help me answer why I often feel like a misfit? It starts by acknowledging that while INFJ is one of 16 different personality types, it is the rarest occurring personality type, with an estimated 1.5% of the world’s population falling into this category. The “N” in INFJ alone only occurs in about 30% of the world population. If distributed evenly, each of the 16 categories should be around 6.25% each. The reason I feel different than most people is because I AM different than most people. Not better than most people. Not worse than most people. Just…different.

Come along with me on my journey of self-discovery as I learn more about why I am who I am. As we make this journey, you will undoubtedly learn more about me. This won’t necessarily be easy for me. I have, after all, become adept at pretending to be like everyone else. It starts with a commitment to being brutally honest with myself. It starts with removing many of the masks I’ve chosen to wear over the years. My hope is that by the end of this journey, I’ll know more about myself. Maybe, as you follow along, you’ll better understand who I am. Maybe, you’ll even start to learn more about yourself.

The Balancing Act

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about balance. No, not how I manage to stay upright on two legs, but the balance between my professional and my personal life. I have been reflecting on how at various stages in my life, I’ve put more emphasis on one over the other. I’ve thought extensively about the price I have paid for those decisions.

All of this reckoning seems to bring up more and more questions. There are social expectations. There are familial obligations. There is the need to feel valuable to this world. It seems the more I think about what the “right” balance for me is, the deeper into the rabbit hole I dive. What was right in my twenties certainly isn’t what I believe is right today. How do I know if I have it right?

I don’t know the answer to a lot of these questions. I’ll keep asking. I am relatively certain that the answer will change from one person to the next. I’m also confident that the answer will change for me in the future. For now, I look both inward and outward to take the best reading I can, as to whether that balance is “right.” Am I still learning and growing? Do I feel content? I look inward. Do those around me seem content? Are they sending me signals of something being out of balance? I look outward.

Do you think about the work/life balance in your life? What do you use for your barometer? I want to hear from you!

Essential Reading – Walden, or, Life in the Woods

Welcome to the first installment of the Essential Reading series, books I would recommend every man read. When trying to determine where to start, I asked myself if there was one book, above all others, which had the most significant impact on me. That is where I would start. That question, brought me to Walden, or, Life in the Woods by Henry David Thoreau. Allow me to explain.

There are several themes of Thoreau’s work that speak to me. It is, at its essence, a story of one man and his two year long experiment in self reliance, living in what could generously be called a cabin on Walden Pond, near Concord, MA. Let’s set aside the fact that Concord, MA is where I would want to live if I could afford to (and convince my spouse to do so as well). It is home to the American Transcendentalist movement of the 19th century. Emerson, Hawthorn, Alcott and Thoreau all called Concord home. What a rich literary history. I digress.

I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. – Henry David Thoreau, Walden, or, Life in the Woods

One central theme that still resonates in today’s world, for me at least, relates to simplifying what is important to a man. While completely shunning capitalism and technology for 24 months may seem unrealistic in 2021, there are important lessons we can take away from Thoreau’s reflections on his time spent at Walden. Important questions are left with the reader. Are the material gains we toil for worth it in the long run? Do the “things” we acquire justify the burden a man places on himself to obtain such treasure? We are forced to question what wealth really means.

Of course Walden is also a reflection on man’s relationship with nature. As if I couldn’t find more connections with Thoreau’s writing. It seems impossible to read the book without developing an impressive understanding of how important his connection with the land is. His ability to highlight the beauty in the smaller and better things, assists the reader in helping to answer these important questions. What is beautiful? What is wealth? What is success?

The reader, of course, must answer these queries for himself. One mark of a really great piece of writing is that it requires the reader to ask critical questions, even if they do not realize that’s the intended purpose. By this standard, Walden stands out amongst some of the very best works of literature we have available to us.

Have you read Walden? Have you asked yourself any of the questions? If you have, what have you come away with?

Essential Reading – An Introduction

Today, I’m speaking to the men out there. I’m assuming that since you’re reading this, you have some interest in the whole concept of what it means to be a Curated Man. We are simply products of our experiences. When we talk about becoming the men we wish to be, the careful selection of those experiences plays a pivotal roll. Of course, I’m talking about the experiences we choose, not the ones which are thrust upon us.

I hope that other men have a desire to develop into well balanced people. While we all develop and bloom into our own special versions of human beings, a solid foundation is necessary for any of those versions to thrive. While building that foundation can be complex, I have found it important to compartmentalize the approach, to the extent to which it can be accomplished. Let’s call them pillars of the foundation.

Now that we’ve introduced the concept of the pillars, let’s begin our journey of exploring one of them. Reading. I mean, you’re doing it right now. The written word is responsible for the advanced species of animal that humans have become. And while reading has certainly been crowded out of the options available to us to fill the minutes of our day, the importance of doing so has not diminished.

Gentlemen, I’m not going to offer that you have to become book worms. I’m also not suggesting that reading alone can turn you into a well rounded human being. None the less, reading is important. Reading the right things of course is equally important. This brings me to the reason for this specific blog post. Curating the things we read.

Ultimately, choosing the right reading materials will be an intimately personal decision for any man to make. A lot of those decisions will be driven by what interests the individual and their current circumstances. Still, sometimes a road map is extremely helpful when you’re beginning a new journey.

So, I’ll be starting a new ongoing series called Essential Reading. I will be offering some recommendations on some places to start. Many of the books are ones that occupy permanent spots on my own bookshelves. All have made a mark on the man that I have become. Many will sound like obvious selections. Some may seem a little more non-traditional when we talk about curating the men we want to be. All will come with an explanation as to why they were important to me, hopefully providing value to you.

What are some of the most influential books you have enjoyed? I want to hear from you!

Cheese Puffs, Fire and En Vino Veritas

It’s Saturday night, the first day of February 2020.  We live in Phoenix, Arizona; smack dab in the middle of the Sonoran Desert.  While the rest of North America is shut in their homes, huddled around a fireplace and sheltering from the cold of a typical American winter, we saw a high temperature of 74 degrees Fahrenheit.  While the sun is engaged in a never-ending game of hide-and-go-seek with most of the country, she is our constant companion, bathing us in a warmth that becomes the seasonal envy of millions of people.  Torture, I know.

After the sunset this evening, which was a brilliant show of oranges, purples, and reds painted across the horizon, I suggested to my wife that we open a bottle of wine.  To this, she readily agreed.  I then made my way into the desert oasis that is our back yard, started a fire in our fire pit and sat down under the moonlight.  All of this, with the hopes that my wife would soon follow me and we would enjoy a semi-romantic suburban night as we enjoy the best of what the vine has to offer. Things didn’t transpire as I planned, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

As I endeavored into my first glass of wine, I heard my daughter come downstairs and begin a conversation with my wife.  This, in and of itself, was a scenario that has become more and more infrequent, as our daughter refuses to stop growing up and has entered her teenage years.  Straight away, it was apparent that my wife and daughter had taken advantage of some peculiar alignment of the stars.  They were laughing and conspired to spend an evening of ill-advised dinner choices and a new Netflix release.  As I sat alone with my thoughts outside, they were eating cheese puffs and giggling like they were sisters, not parent and child.

As I sat outside alone, watching the flames of my fire lapping at the mild desert night air, I realized that I was right where I needed to be, and my wife was exactly where she needed to be.  While I sat alone by the fire, I was the furthest from being lonely that I could be.  As much as I relish my opportunities to be a couple with my spouse, tonight was a night that I needed to remain on the periphery.  No dad or husband contributions were required this evening, other than recognizing the magic that was happening inside the house.  Yes, I sat alone, but every giggle and statement of nonsense inside the house filled me with a contentment that I seem to be constantly in search of.

As I finish my second glass of wine tonight, relocated from the fire to my study, I set to capture the magic of this evening in this prose.  Though the evening hasn’t taken the direction I originally had chartered, it has none the less drawn me closer to my wife.  I realize that there are times, where the best I can contribute to our family dynamic is to step back and watch the magic develop around me.  I am thankful for this night and for the desert oasis that lives inside my own home.

Are You A Leader? – Your Answer May Surprise You!

From a young age, I have been fascinated by the concept of leadership.  What makes a good leader?  What have renowned leaders done to achieve such regard?  This curiosity pulled me into a lot of informal study of leadership, even if I didn’t recognize that was what I was doing at the time.  Biographies still remain my favorite genre of books, especially those profiling and studying leaders of significance.

This eventually led to the choice of study for my graduate degree, earning a Master of Administration degree with an emphasis in leadership.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to exercise those principles in my occupational journies throughout the years.  More significant though, was realizing that leadership at work was but the tip of the iceberg.  The reality is that my most significant leadership opportunities have existed outside of a conference room.

To some extent, we all exert influence over others in life.  If you needed to break down the meaning of leadership to one word, I would offer that precise definition:  Influence.  And while the principles of leadership are far more complex and nuanced, influence is a fundamental building block. When you look at it from that perspective, it’s easy to see how all of us have the ability to seize an opportunity to display leadership abilities.  This leads me to my question for you…are you a leader?

It’s ok if the answer doesn’t immediately jump out at you.  But I believe it’s a question to spend some time thinking about.  After all, leadership does not equal being the boss.  It doesn’t mean someone gets their way and somebody else doesn’t.  In fact, leadership is about developing and communicating a joint vision and a plan to help you and others to achieve that vision.  Leadership is not a position and carries with it no legitimate authority.  One of the greatest foils of being a leader is selfishness.

With that understanding, I have no issue with saying that I’m a leader of my family.  And in turn, so is my spouse.  We learn from each other every day.  One of my jobs as a father is to take a vision and influence my daughter to see the same things I see.  And one day, to lead her to embrace the confidence to build and communicate her own vision.

So I ask you again…are you a leader?  If your answer is yes, what does that mean to you?  If you’re unsure, what are your thoughts about leadership means?  Share your thoughts by leaving a comment.  I want to hear from you.  As always, thank you for those that have taken the time to follow along and subscribe to The Curated Man.

I’m Not Going To Be That Dad – 4 Ways To Not Become The Overbearing Dad

Sometimes, when I reflect on what it means to be a father to a soon to be teenage daughter, the weight of that responsibility can seem a bit overwhelming.  There’s an internal struggle between a primal desire to protect her and a hopeful desire to see her blossom into the young woman I know she can be.  There is that constant tug and pull between protecting her from the world that can hurt her and allowing her to learn from her mistakes in order to thrive in that same world.  In the end, I strive to not become the overbearing dad while still providing her with as safe as an environment as is reasonable, to allow her to mess up and learn things for herself.  For me, it’s much easier in theory than it is in practice.

When the rubber meets the road, how does a man do this?  Here are four things that can help find that balance, hopefully alleviating some of that weight on our shoulders.

  • Be a good listener – There are going to be things your daughter isn’t going to talk to you about.  This goes for any parent, not just dads.  There are going to be subjects that you will be outright terrified to discuss with your little girl.  You’re a dad, you have to move past that.  While there are things you’re daughter will decide are off limits with you, it’s important to let her know that there is nothing off limits with you.  And you have to back that up with your actions and reinforce that message early and often.  Establishing that you’re there for anything, you’ll be surprised at what she will share with you!  And knowing what is happening in your daughter’s life is one of the fundamental elements to know when you might need to step in and keep her safe.

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Dad and his “little” girl

  • Accept her heart will be broken – Dad, the great protector.  I would run through a brick wall to protect my daughter’s emotional well being.  But, we can’t protect her from everything.  Trust me, your daughter will have her heart broken.  Whether it be a romantic interest, the ending of a friendship or some other disillusionment with life, people will hurt your kiddo.  But beware, this is a major opportunity to become the overbearing parent.  We have to accept that not only can we not prevent heartache, it is also vital for her to learn how to navigate the hurt.
  • Love – This is a verb.  Show her how a good man treats the people in his life.  If you’re married to her mother, model the behavior necessary for healthy relationships.  Your daughter is looking to you for examples and one day she will choose a partner in life, based on the expectations you have set. If you are no longer in a relationship with her mother, make sure your daughter knows you hold her in high esteem.  This can be hard but again, you’re teaching her that this is how a future partner behaves.  Teaching her how to break up with someone and move on from a relationship is just as important as demonstrating how to treat someone in a healthy one.
  • Protect when you must – At the end of the day, you’re still her parent.  You have lived through most of what she is going to experience.  When a truly dangerous or unhealthy situation presents itself (remember you’re going to convince her to talk to you about anything!),  you have to step in and keep her safe.  This is one of several reasons why you’re not going to be popular at times with her.  This is ok.  When she does make mistakes, and she will make them, remember the goal is to teach her better decision-making skills in the future so she can one day keep herself safe.  It’s ok to be disappointed and express that.  But it will be counterproductive to condemn her for making mistakes.

Dads, I would love to hear about your own experiences.  How have you managed to strike the balance between protecting and letting go?  I want to hear from you!

Curated Products – Travellers Collective

One of the motivations I had in starting The Curated Man was to share with you my experiences with a few of the material things I’ve come across that I have deemed worthy to recommend to you.  Men, these are all products I’ve used and I recommend for your use.  Women, these are things the men in your life will hopefully appreciate as much as I have.  There’s nothing in it for me, no monetary reward on the line.  Just things I have enjoyed.  Let’s start with something simple, Traveller Collective Keychains.

The accessories we carry speak to other people.  Don’t mistake this premise as being that expensive, material items define who you are as a person.  But how and what we present to people does make a difference.  It is a reflection, of sorts.  Do you want to be taken seriously?  Well, put thought and effort into how to present yourself to others.  You need not spend a lot of money to distinguish yourself, though there are some items that warrant a good investment in quality and craftsmanship.  One simple statement you can make is by what you choose to carry your keys on.  That free rubber keychain from the Pizza Palace doesn’t do you any favors when you’re trying to be taken seriously.

Travellers Collective keychains are a simple, well-crafted keychain that tells the people around you that you’re no longer a kid.  Beyond just a leather key chain, the idea is that you collect small, engraved rings for the keychain, each documenting the places where you have traveled.  It’s a masculine accessory that evolves as you go places.  If you like to travel, this product is right up your alley.  No longer will you feel compelled to buy travel souvenirs that will sit and simply collect dust.  These are mementos that you carry with you anywhere you may go. It’s a way to express who you are and do so in a distinguished way.

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My Travellers Collective keychain, given to me by Shani a few years ago.

Beyond the masculine and dignified design, Travellers Collective keychains are affordable.  Handcrafted leather keychains are $22.50 and come in a variety of colors.  The engraved rings start at $4.25 and run to $13.75, depending on how customized you want each one.

This is a keychain to be proud of.  If you love to travel and you’re ready for a distinguished piece to add to your everyday carry, or if you’re in search of a unique gift for the man in your life, you can’t miss with Travellers Collective!