Tag: masculinity

You’re Wearing That? – How Little Acts of Service and Gratitude Promote Healthy Marriages

When you take a moment to think about how difficult it is for two human beings to live harmoniously with each other, it’s remarkable that all marriages do not end in divorce.  Occasionally, I remember exactly how much Shani loves me.  Seriously, she has to really love me to be able to take all of my quirks, peculiarities, and faults in an effortless stride.

Of course, the factors that make a successful marriage are innumerable.  What a successful marriage looks like will even vary from couple to couple.  And of course, the upkeep of a marriage takes the commitment of two people. All of these factors certainly cannot be explored in a 600-word blog post.   I will also never claim to be an expert in keeping a successful marriage.  In fact, the only thing I come close to being an expert in is napping.

What I am is a guy who tries hard to be a good husband.  I’ve somehow managed to stumble my way through mistakes and challenges with an amazing woman, to string together a decade-plus relationship, earning the privilege to keep trying to do it better tomorrow.  What I’ll share is some of those lessons I’ve learned along the way;  my observations. What I do to be a better partner with my spouse.

This week I was reminded of one of those lessons I’ve learned.  I was reminded of how much Shani loves me.  You might expect that there was some grand gesture made or maybe an expensive gift was given.  You would be wrong.  It was a small gesture, one that could easily go overlooked.  I had left a load of laundry in the dryer overnight.  This load contained almost every work appropriate shirt I owned.  The next morning, I retrieved a shirt from the dryer to wear to work.  Of course, it was well wrinkled from its overnight stay in the dryer.

I inspected the shirt.  Shani inspected the shirt.  I shrugged my shoulders and proclaimed it acceptable to wear that day.  Shani made it known that she disagreed with my assessment.  I was off to the shower. She was off to make her husband presentable to the public.  After my shower, I found the shirt freshly ironed.  She’ll tell you it was as much about maintaining her own professional image (we work for the same company) as it was in helping me maintain mine.  Regardless, it was an act of service that she didn’t need to perform.  It was an example of love being used as a verb.  And I was grateful.

This was the point where I applied one of those lessons I’ve learned about keeping our relationship healthy.  It wasn’t enough for me to recognize this little thing and feel gratitude, though that is definitely an important part of the equation.  The recognition and gratitude I felt wouldn’t mean much unless I carried out the final step in the process. I had to tell her.  It wasn’t enough to feel loved; she needed to know that I felt loved. Simple yes, but you would be surprised how many of us forget to complete this final measure.  It wasn’t hard.  All I had to do was tell her, “Thank you.”  I did that a couple of times that day.

Sometimes we can’t see the forest through the trees.  We start believing that the grand overtures are what keep our relationships afloat.  We forget that the little things are just as important, if not more so, as the flashy things.  It’s those little acts of service and the simple, genuine displays of appreciation that are the unsung heroes of our relationships.

Enough about me, what are your experiences with those little acts?  What have you learned along the way?  I welcome you to share your own stories by commenting below!

Who Are Your Others? – The Influential People in Our Lives

Do you have a person or people in your life that you draw inspiration from? Ones that leave their fingerprint on your very existence? I bet you do, even if you haven’t put a lot of thought into it. The obvious starting point for most of you would be your parents. I know my parents, besides contributing to the totality of my DNA and physiological dispositions, were the people who inspired me the most. But what about the others?

While there have been many in my life who have influenced the man I choose to be today, there are a few that hold a special place in the halls of the Museum of Rob. One such man was my Uncle Jim. The eldest of my mother’s siblings, it seemed like there was nothing Jim wasn’t able to do…and do it well at that. I know that no man is perfect, but as a child, I sure believed that he was (along with my father).

He had an incredible breadth of knowledge about the world. This was undoubtedly a result of his innate curiosity and dedication to being a life long learner. A Korean War veteran, a police officer, a world traveler, an accountant, a master cabinet maker, a writer…he could find common ground and carry on a respectable conversation with just about anyone he ever met. He was funny, interesting and he was a masterful storyteller. There are few people that I’ve met that I would describe as wise. He was wise.

My Uncle Jim continues to be an influence in my personal curation (except that you don’t want me doing your taxes or being anywhere near a circular saw), though he’s been gone for many years. I don’t believe I ever told him how much I looked up to him. I regret that today. If only I possessed the wisdom to know that I should have while I could still have a conversation with him.

I have a takeaway for you. Who are your others and if they’re still alive, have you told them how important they have been in your life? I encourage you to leave a comment about your others and challenge you to make sure they understand the influence they’ve had on you!

Who Is In Charge Here? – The Concept Behind The Curated Man

Merriam-Webster defines curator as “one who has the care and superintendence of something.”  Often, a curator is the title of one who oversees a collection, such as in a museum.  Many would argue that I belong in a museum; my body being the chief accuser. But, how does this contextually apply to this blog, The Curated Man?  Well, there has been one constant in my evolution as a human, a man.  There is one person who is ultimately responsible for the care and superintendence of me: me.

I chose the tile The Curated Man because…well, I’m a man.  The principle theory, of course, applies to all people, not just to men.  But, I am a man and my writing is filtered through a male lens.  I have no practical experience in being a woman and would never pretend to know what that experience is like; though I do try to think about the lenses others view life through.  Hence, The Curated Man was born.

I didn’t start life with the approach that I was curating myself.  In my teens, I struggled to focus on much past playing baseball, being in what could be loosely defined as a rock band and pretending to be cooler than I actually was.  In my twenties, I thought I had everything figured out, so why bother thinking of such profound concepts.  In my thirties, I realized I was wrong about nearly everything in my twenties and entered a brief period of self-pity and anger.  It wasn’t until I began my relationship with Shani and embarking on the parenting adventure, that I thought seriously about the concept of being the curator of myself and everything that it entails.

It would be too easy to say that meeting Shani caused a sudden and stark change in my acceptance of the gravity of the role I needed to play in my continued maturity.  It would be equally naive to say that the moment came when I became a father.  There are certainly correlations, but the connection to causation is sketchy.  No Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc arguments here. It was a process, one which I am still refining today.  Along the way, I’ve learned some simple yet sobering truths.  It has been equal parts pain and joy.  Most of all, it’s a journey which has just begun.

As I continue on this never-ending work, I invite you to join me.  Some days the words may be explorative and contemplative.  Other days may be light and riddled with humor and musings.  Maybe you’re on a similar journey.  Maybe you know someone else that is. Maybe you will share what you’ve learned through our own personal curation.  Maybe…just maybe, we’ll all get something out of the dialogue.  If you haven’t already, officially follow the blog.  If something resonates…hit like, share and tell me more about it.

 

 

A Gentleman’s Goodbye – The Loss of an Inspirational Friend

This wasn’t how I planned on first exploring the concept of The Curated Man in more detail.  Then again, life is full of unexpected events.

This weekend, a friend and former colleague of mine died after a couple of years of battling a debilitating illness.  I cannot and will not pretend the he and I were best friends, but I did grow very fond of him during our brief time shared in this life.  In reflecting upon the loss, I drew a sharper understanding of the impact he had on me.  I’m sure it is an impact felt by almost everyone that was privileged to know him.

Bart was in many ways a master of so many things that I continue to experience challenges with in life.  Kindness, gentleness and a reassuring stoicism were just three of the attributes I struggle to master, but of which Bart delivered faithfully; effortlessly.  His love for his family was evident, not just through his words, but by his presence in their lives.  He came across as comfortable with himself; sure of himself without a trace of conceit.

He probably had no idea that I thought of him in this way.  I certainly didn’t tell him.  That I will regret.  That opportunity, I will never get back.  He was one of the men in my life that I drew inspiration from because of his calming disposition.  I know he’s numbered among the many men in my life that I’ve drawn similar inspiration from.  Those that possessed qualities that I wanted to incorporate into my own essence.  A personal curation of how to be a man; a human.  To that, I am eternally grateful.

Rest easy my friend.  You have done much here for so many.  You have achieved an immortality through the influence you have had on the lives of others; your wife and three boys. That influence lives on and can never be taken away from those who loved you; those who counted you as a friend.

 

A Curated Introduction

Thanks for joining me!  My name is Rob Bell and I’ll be your host through these ramblings.  I live in Phoenix, Arizona with my beautiful wife Shani and capricious daughter “S”.  I am a truly fortunate human and fully appreciate the people in my life who have helped me become the man I am today.

This blog will explore my journey in becoming that man; how I got here and where I’m going.  The topics will vary, but you can guarantee I’ll be writing a lot about the big deals in my life; being a husband, father and a man at odds with the condition of toxic masculinity (you notice the distinction of toxicity.  I am unapologetic for being masculine).  By my nature, I am a positive and optimistic human being and that will be reflected in the words to follow.  It’s not that I don’t struggle with negativity, because I do.  But when I do discuss my challenges, it will be constructive and full of the perspective of my better angels.

Of course, I am more complex than simply falling into a simple categorization of being a husband and father.  And masculinity of course is not mutually exclusive to either of the former experiences.  I have many hobbies that bring my life pleasure, amusement and enrichment.  I will surely write much about those.  I do my best to think critically and take seriously my life long journey in learning.  It is, after all, much of what has brought me to where I am today.  I also use humor in my writing.  Sometimes it is completely unintentional while at other times it is warmly calculated.  Trust me when I say this humor is wholly reflective of who I am.

So I welcome you into my little slice of the human experience.  I hope you find it enlightening, entertaining, informative, or any thing else other than infinitely boring.  If you like where I’m going, tell your friends (if you do find it infinitely boring, tell your enemies to follow along).  Follow me on Facebook and subscribe to the blog.  Let me know you’re here.  Share along with me if you so desire!  I promise to keep writing as long as you’re reading.  Who am I kidding…I also promise to keep writing even if you have deemed me unworthy of your time.

P.S. If you want to read more in detail about the travel experiences of the Bell family, check out our travel blog at http://www.havewifewilltravel.wordpress.com.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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