Yesterday at work, a coworker of mine decided to have a little fun with me. Apparently, messing with her own spouse has grown boring or perhaps is no longer a challenge. Either way, yesterday I was the chosen target for her nefarious acts.

This coworker knows that I have a few rules that tend to be conducive to my happiness. She brazenly violated the sanctity of one of these righteous regulations. She immediately handed me a get well card to sign for a member of our department. The card was covered with…glitter. Before I realized what was going on, the glitter was on my hands, on my desk and on my clothes. My visceral panicked reaction that I am all to familiar with kicked in. You see, glitter never leaves an environment it’s been introduced into. Much like Asian Carp.

The next 15 minutes saw me scouring my immediate surroundings, foolishly trying to identify every miniscule piece of shiny hell and eradicating it from the face of the earth. I am never successful. Vengeance will be mine Dryer…vengeance will be mine.

All of this leads perfectly to outlining the basic rules that guide me through this crazy life. Enjoy!

1. You must be over the age of 50 to pull off a stand alone mustache. There are some notable exceptions (e.g. firefighters, relief pitchers and actors in a particular film genre).
2. You must be over the age of 50 to go by Bob. Bob is my uncle.
3. Parents should never let their children outnumber them. If they must go down that road, they should never have more children than they have total hands. If parents insist on tempting fate and have more children, I encourage them to rank their children BEFORE an emergency forces them to make a split second decision as to which child(ren) will be left behind. You don’t want to save the wrong children just because you didn’t put a little forethought into the decision.
4. Dishes must be loaded into the dishwasher in a precise and orderly manner. A simple schematic should go a long way towards preventing harrowing situations of inefficient and ineffective dish placement.
5. The following substances should be controlled by the Federal government, similar to dangerous drugs:

– Glitter. As mentioned above, once introduced to an environment it will never leave. I could tell you about the Great Glitter Mirror Disaster of 2011 or the Glitter Witch Halloween Costume Fiasco of 2013, but maybe we should save that for a later post.

– Sand. For the same reason as glitter. Nasty stuff. Great to look at on the beach, but much better in theory than application. Cat litter also falls into this category.

– Shredded Lettuce. For the same reason as glitter and sand. Seriously, what is wrong with leaf lettuce? I can easily remove leaf lettuce from my hamburger if necessary. Put shredded lettuce on my burger, and I spend 20 minutes meticulously removing each tiny piece of minced dirt leaves from my otherwise perfect sandwich. By the time it is safe to eat, the burger is cold. We won’t even talk about how shredded lettuce ends up in my bean and cheese burrito, hidden from sight until its nutritionless essence defiles my mouth. I am talking about you Taco Bell. Seriously, do not put the shredded lettuce bin next to the shredded cheese bin.

– Carpet. For a related reason to glitter, sand and shredded lettuce. You see, carpet is clean for one day. The day it is installed in your home. Introduce glitter to carpet and you lose. You might as well give up and move at that point.

There are of course lesser rules that I didn’t include. Perhaps we’ll explore those at a later date. Until then, I encourage you to consider adopting these simple mantras into your own lives. Even better, what are your standing rules?  I’d love to hear about yours so leave a comment!