Inspiration, Authenticity, and 7th-Grade Math

Writing is hard.  To be specific, finding and harnessing the inspiration to write is hard.  Granted, when compared to the more challenging feats of mankind (e.g. building pyramids, quantum physics, 7th-grade math), the prior statement can sound rather silly.  None the less, creating strings and blocks of words that somehow might resonate with the reader of those words is challenging.  As an illustration, I may or may not have just spent three hours composing this said block of words.

The reasons why this feat can seem daunting are as numerous as the reasons 7th-grade math flummoxes me.  To my chagrin, as well as my wife’s, I am not independently wealthy.  Quite simply, to keep my belly full and to fund my girls’ Disney travel dependency, full-time employment is my lot in life.  Add in life’s other obligations like human social interaction, finding the right motivators for a teenager (pretty sure the formula is X=Y+M x 4.21 + nothing works, what am I doing?) and household chores, and there are limited hours left in a day to sit down and make pretty words.

These obligations also leave little time for life’s more enriching moments.  Reading is a writer’s best friend.  Few writers can lay claim to inventing meaningful and profound words.  By and large, we try to recycle the good ones we’ve read somewhere.  I’ve found that I write most freely when I am able to lose myself in some realm of profound thinking. I have learned that profound thought is hard for me to achieve without the presentation of challenging ideas or breathing in the world’s beauty through a writer’s prose. Reading is one of the cornerstones of my own, personal curation.

I also found myself laboring to meet a self-imposed threshold of blog posts.  I was forcing the act of writing, creating content for content’s sake.  Much of what I was writing, both here and on my travel blog, became mechanical and cold.  It often lacked the authenticity required for resonation, offering advice where no advice was solicited.  All of this in the hopes of increasing the readership of my work.  In an effort to reach more people, I altered my own voice.

Life certainly has a way of entrenching itself in front of one’s more admirable pursuits. It has been no different for me these past few months.  It happens in part due to circumstances beyond our control and in no less part due to things that are.  And while this is certainly true with my absence of writing of late, perhaps this retreat has been what I needed to re-learn how to harness that elusive inspiration. Even the most precise instrument requires occasional re-calibration.  So I set forth in an attempt at a more organic writing experience.  I hope you hang around for this next leg of my meandering musings.

 

 

473,040,000 Seconds

473,040,000 seconds. I didn’t know fully what to expect that Summer day when you smiled at me. How could either of us appreciate the journey we were about to embark upon? Our plan was to simply have some fun in life, something we both needed as surely as we needed air to breathe. No, I didn’t know what to expect or what I was getting myself into. It scared me as much as it thrilled me.

Since that moment, I have watched us grow into full-fledged adults. We have laughed and we have done the hard things, neither of us naive enough to believe there aren’t more hard things to endure. The seconds that will follow still scare me as much as they thrill me.

378,432,000 of those seconds have been shared with you, in the grandest experiment to be imagined…parenthood. Part science project and part creation of art, the laughs have outnumbered the tears to this point. Somehow, we have managed to not screw the whole thing up, all the while growing closer to each other.

Neither of us were looking for these sublime seconds that we’ve shared since that Monday in June. Somewhere along the way, quietly and earnestly we decided to keep pulling in the same direction. And pull we have. A strange paradox has been created, where I can remember every one of those 473,040,000 seconds since you smiled at me, though it is difficult for me to imagine a second before, without you.

However we measure our time together, I’m thankful I get to measure it with you.

Great Britain, Curiosity and Eating the Bacon

Hi everyone!  I just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know that The Curated Man is going to take a brief hiatus so that I can spend a couple of weeks traversing Great Britain with my family.  I don’t plan on doing any writing while we’re gone, as my focus will be enjoying the experience with the people I love most in the world.  My next post here is slated for June 21st, with a very special message for someone.  Until then stay curious, choose love, eat the bacon (or cupcake) and let the people closest to you know how much you love them.

Rob

Are You A Leader? – Your Answer May Surprise You!

From a young age, I have been fascinated by the concept of leadership.  What makes a good leader?  What have renowned leaders done to achieve such regard?  This curiosity pulled me into a lot of informal study of leadership, even if I didn’t recognize that was what I was doing at the time.  Biographies still remain my favorite genre of books, especially those profiling and studying leaders of significance.

This eventually led to the choice of study for my graduate degree, earning a Master of Administration degree with an emphasis in leadership.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to exercise those principles in my occupational journies throughout the years.  More significant though, was realizing that leadership at work was but the tip of the iceberg.  The reality is that my most significant leadership opportunities have existed outside of a conference room.

To some extent, we all exert influence over others in life.  If you needed to break down the meaning of leadership to one word, I would offer that precise definition:  Influence.  And while the principles of leadership are far more complex and nuanced, influence is a fundamental building block. When you look at it from that perspective, it’s easy to see how all of us have the ability to seize an opportunity to display leadership abilities.  This leads me to my question for you…are you a leader?

It’s ok if the answer doesn’t immediately jump out at you.  But I believe it’s a question to spend some time thinking about.  After all, leadership does not equal being the boss.  It doesn’t mean someone gets their way and somebody else doesn’t.  In fact, leadership is about developing and communicating a joint vision and a plan to help you and others to achieve that vision.  Leadership is not a position and carries with it no legitimate authority.  One of the greatest foils of being a leader is selfishness.

With that understanding, I have no issue with saying that I’m a leader of my family.  And in turn, so is my spouse.  We learn from each other every day.  One of my jobs as a father is to take a vision and influence my daughter to see the same things I see.  And one day, to lead her to embrace the confidence to build and communicate her own vision.

So I ask you again…are you a leader?  If your answer is yes, what does that mean to you?  If you’re unsure, what are your thoughts about leadership means?  Share your thoughts by leaving a comment.  I want to hear from you.  As always, thank you for those that have taken the time to follow along and subscribe to The Curated Man.

I’m Not Going To Be That Dad – 4 Ways To Not Become The Overbearing Dad

Sometimes, when I reflect on what it means to be a father to a soon to be teenage daughter, the weight of that responsibility can seem a bit overwhelming.  There’s an internal struggle between a primal desire to protect her and a hopeful desire to see her blossom into the young woman I know she can be.  There is that constant tug and pull between protecting her from the world that can hurt her and allowing her to learn from her mistakes in order to thrive in that same world.  In the end, I strive to not become the overbearing dad while still providing her with as safe as an environment as is reasonable, to allow her to mess up and learn things for herself.  For me, it’s much easier in theory than it is in practice.

When the rubber meets the road, how does a man do this?  Here are four things that can help find that balance, hopefully alleviating some of that weight on our shoulders.

  • Be a good listener – There are going to be things your daughter isn’t going to talk to you about.  This goes for any parent, not just dads.  There are going to be subjects that you will be outright terrified to discuss with your little girl.  You’re a dad, you have to move past that.  While there are things you’re daughter will decide are off limits with you, it’s important to let her know that there is nothing off limits with you.  And you have to back that up with your actions and reinforce that message early and often.  Establishing that you’re there for anything, you’ll be surprised at what she will share with you!  And knowing what is happening in your daughter’s life is one of the fundamental elements to know when you might need to step in and keep her safe.
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Dad and his “little” girl
  • Accept her heart will be broken – Dad, the great protector.  I would run through a brick wall to protect my daughter’s emotional well being.  But, we can’t protect her from everything.  Trust me, your daughter will have her heart broken.  Whether it be a romantic interest, the ending of a friendship or some other disillusionment with life, people will hurt your kiddo.  But beware, this is a major opportunity to become the overbearing parent.  We have to accept that not only can we not prevent heartache, it is also vital for her to learn how to navigate the hurt.
  • Love – This is a verb.  Show her how a good man treats the people in his life.  If you’re married to her mother, model the behavior necessary for healthy relationships.  Your daughter is looking to you for examples and one day she will choose a partner in life, based on the expectations you have set. If you are no longer in a relationship with her mother, make sure your daughter knows you hold her in high esteem.  This can be hard but again, you’re teaching her that this is how a future partner behaves.  Teaching her how to break up with someone and move on from a relationship is just as important as demonstrating how to treat someone in a healthy one.
  • Protect when you must – At the end of the day, you’re still her parent.  You have lived through most of what she is going to experience.  When a truly dangerous or unhealthy situation presents itself (remember you’re going to convince her to talk to you about anything!),  you have to step in and keep her safe.  This is one of several reasons why you’re not going to be popular at times with her.  This is ok.  When she does make mistakes, and she will make them, remember the goal is to teach her better decision-making skills in the future so she can one day keep herself safe.  It’s ok to be disappointed and express that.  But it will be counterproductive to condemn her for making mistakes.

Dads, I would love to hear about your own experiences.  How have you managed to strike the balance between protecting and letting go?  I want to hear from you!

Curated Products – Travellers Collective

One of the motivations I had in starting The Curated Man was to share with you my experiences with a few of the material things I’ve come across that I have deemed worthy to recommend to you.  Men, these are all products I’ve used and I recommend for your use.  Women, these are things the men in your life will hopefully appreciate as much as I have.  There’s nothing in it for me, no monetary reward on the line.  Just things I have enjoyed.  Let’s start with something simple, Traveller Collective Keychains.

The accessories we carry speak to other people.  Don’t mistake this premise as being that expensive, material items define who you are as a person.  But how and what we present to people does make a difference.  It is a reflection, of sorts.  Do you want to be taken seriously?  Well, put thought and effort into how to present yourself to others.  You need not spend a lot of money to distinguish yourself, though there are some items that warrant a good investment in quality and craftsmanship.  One simple statement you can make is by what you choose to carry your keys on.  That free rubber keychain from the Pizza Palace doesn’t do you any favors when you’re trying to be taken seriously.

Travellers Collective keychains are a simple, well-crafted keychain that tells the people around you that you’re no longer a kid.  Beyond just a leather key chain, the idea is that you collect small, engraved rings for the keychain, each documenting the places where you have traveled.  It’s a masculine accessory that evolves as you go places.  If you like to travel, this product is right up your alley.  No longer will you feel compelled to buy travel souvenirs that will sit and simply collect dust.  These are mementos that you carry with you anywhere you may go. It’s a way to express who you are and do so in a distinguished way.

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My Travellers Collective keychain, given to me by Shani a few years ago.

Beyond the masculine and dignified design, Travellers Collective keychains are affordable.  Handcrafted leather keychains are $22.50 and come in a variety of colors.  The engraved rings start at $4.25 and run to $13.75, depending on how customized you want each one.

This is a keychain to be proud of.  If you love to travel and you’re ready for a distinguished piece to add to your everyday carry, or if you’re in search of a unique gift for the man in your life, you can’t miss with Travellers Collective!

Because I Said I Would – Aligning Our Words With Our Actions

As humans, we say great things.  We use great words that outline what we believe in and what we’ll do.  For instance, I believe the Designated Hitter has no place in baseball!  Certainly great words.  I say I believe in justice, equity and love.  Great things.  I’ve made promises to people.  Many I’ve kept, some I regrettably haven’t.  I tell my wife and daughter that I love them; an action more than it is feelings.  And yet, I’m not perfect on that front either.

Case in point: To love (as an action) my family, I must live.  To love my daughter, I must lead.  And yet, I sometimes come up short.  Recently, I’ve decided that I need to re-introduce exercise back into my daily routines.  I’m now 46.  I can’t eat like I used to anymore.  I can’t take youth for granted, because it no longer belongs to me.  I’ve put on considerable weight since my mid-thirties.  I have high blood pressure that is treated with pharmaceuticals.  I’m reminded often of my own mortality, something I didn’t think much about when I was younger.  Bottom line, I know that if I want to be around for my family, I have to take better care of myself.  I’ve told Shani and “S” this through the years, and I’ve taken some strides in that direction, but I haven’t followed through on some of those promises.

In my recent post What Makes A Man A Man?, I explored some basic criteria to address that question.  One of the principles discussed had to do with aligning our words with our actions.  To break it down to a single word…integrity.  Do we adhere to what we say we are?  This is one concept where I am reminded regularly that I have room for growth.

This is not a unique challenge.  I know many men, and women for that matter, that struggle with this challenge.  In fact, I know of no person whose words are always aligned with their actions.  Should we resign ourselves to the reality that perfection doesn’t exist?  Are there resources that can help us reach a truer alignment of our words with our actions?

A few years ago, Shani introduced me to a social movement that addresses this very topic.  She read about it while flying back home from a business trip and it resonated with her enough to immediately share it with me.  She soon incorporated it into the culture of the team she managed and encouraged me to learn more about it as well.  The movement is called because I said I would. The premise is that we are only as good as the promises we keep.  Brilliant, basic and undeniably true.  For Shani and I, it has been an indispensable resource in our personal growth.  We both encourage you to check it out.

So I continue to work on fulfilling the promises I’ve made.  Continue working on aligning my words with my actions.  Today our family is out enjoying a new active hobby we’re trying to incorporate into our own culture: kayaking.  I am going to continue pushing to build new healthy habits that align with my promises I’ve made to my family.  How successful I am is yet to be determined.  I’m certain there will be times that I struggle to fulfill these commitments.  But I know that I will never stop working on being the man I say I am.

Have you found yourself in situations where your words haven’t aligned with your actions?  How have you handled this?  Please feel free to share your own ideas and stories.  Make sure that that you hit follow to ensure you never miss a blog post.  Like us on Facebook as well!

 

 

The Slow Burn – Happy Mother’s Day

They say parenthood changes you the minute your child is born. I used to think the same thing. Here’s a little secret though. It didn’t for me. There was an evolution. And while it certainly started the day I found out I was going to be a parent, it was a slow burn to appreciate a parent’s love. It still is an evolution.  Every day deepens the love I have for my child.  I wish I could say it was instantaneous, but it wasn’t. And that’s ok.  I can imagine Shani feels similar.

They also say that behind every successful man, there is a great woman.  That is not true.  It’s rarely ever just one great woman.  I can list many, including the young lady my daughter is becoming.  These women didn’t just support me.  They pushed me.  They made me grow.  They aren’t the supporting cast.  They are among the leaders I have followed in this life.

I’ve had the privilege to watch my beautiful wife evolve into an even more beautiful mother. She is not the same woman I married. She’s better. She inspires me to be a better father. She doesn’t let me stay in stagnant in what I am. Instead, she shows me what I can be.  On this Mother’s Day, I offer my love, respect, and admiration for this remarkable woman. Happy Mother’s Day to each of you that impact the lives of your children and families, the way Shani does for us.

 

 

What Makes A Man A Man?- Separating Myths Of Masculinity From Societal Responsibilities

What makes a man a man?  Wow, is that a loaded question.  It’s a question I’ve been exploring for many years now.  In that search, I’ve come to a few basic conclusions.

  • Gender is a human-made social construct, different than the sexual classification of human beings based on the reproductive organs they are born with.  In essence, gender and all of its verbiage (eg. man or woman) are fluid and largely self-prescribed, influenced heavily by social stereotypical classifications. Whether you were born with male or female (or both) reproductive organs are a static classification.
  • Because gender is based on societal definitions and society changes, there is no definitive set of criteria to answer the question of what makes a man a man.  At best, we have grossly ambiguous and unwieldy ideas of what makes a man a man and a woman a woman.
  • Human beings who lean towards more definitive, concrete thought processes often will struggle with the ambiguity associated with some societal constructs like gender.
  • I’ve discovered that the essence of being a man is not exclusive to being masculine.  It is universal and applies across all humankind.

Perhaps this would be a good time to point out that I am not an expert anything relevant to the world.  These are my conclusions and I own them.  I also own that I have been wrong about a lot of things in life.  Facts have been known to change my mind, and I’m certainly not done learning in this life.  These are my observations and you’re more than welcome to disagree with them.  You’re more than welcome to help me learn and keep me on my toes.

With that admonition, let me expand just a bit on my bulleted observations above.  I identify as a man.  I am a male.  I am confident that there are both biological and societal influences that factor in my self-identification as a man.  Others classify me as a man as well, as I have presented myself this way in the world.

Though I am a man, I don’t like or embrace everything society has prescribed as masculine stereotypes.  While I love sports and barbequing meat, you won’t catch me working on a car or framing a new addition to my house.  I have the physical finesse of a giant lumberjack, relying on brute force as a means to an end, yet I thoroughly enjoy the theater. All of these attributes are integral to what makes me uniquely me, yet they have a loose relationship with my identification as a man.  Just because I enjoy the scent of fine leather, the warmth of dark mahogany woods and other masculine accouterments doesn’t make me a man.  In fact, all of the attributes I’ve described could just as easily be shared by a 10-year-old boy or girl.

All of this has led me to the conclusion that what makes a man a man (or a woman a woman) has far more to do with maturity and fulfilling social responsibilities than it does with the identification with masculine attributes.  To be a man (or a woman), one must be accountable to each other and must strive for alignment between their words and their actions.  They must care for the people in their lives and be good stewards of the world around them.  These attributes are neither masculine nor feminine.  They are merely human.

I am not ashamed of my masculinity.  In fact, I embrace it.  I’m comfortable with it, even if I don’t embrace all of the attributes generally classified as masculine.  I also appreciate my traits that society has classified as feminine in nature.  My ability to be a nurturer or to enjoy a classic Jane Austen novel is not in conflict with my identity as a man.  It is a compliment to it.  I’ll write about masculinity as the dark side that can accompany some of those attributes.  But these attributes have little to do with me being a man.

These are my observations as I enjoy my 47th trip around this sun.  As I continue to evolve and learn, I can predict that my observations in the future will also evolve.  That is what learning is of course.  Maybe with your help, we can learn together.  Maybe some of these words will resonate with you.  Maybe grand and important dialogue will come as a result of this exploration together.