Category: Personality

Roll Down The Window and Turn the Radio Up

I’ve always had a deep desire to be understood. I’m sure it stems from going through the majority of my life believing that few people actually did understand me. You pick the group, I was always a bit different than everyone else. At least, that was my perception. Take a person who feels misunderstood, and they will likely search for ways to make themselves understood. For some, that’s pretty easy. For me, it’s torture. Where an extrovert will go out and boldly find common ground amongst the populous, my introverted, sensitive, intuitive self always sought out subtlety. That pattern still exists today.

As I reflect upon how this desire to be understood manifested itself, one method stands out above all others: music. I would never walk up to someone on a whim and start conversing with them about music. But, put me in my car and I would roll down my windows, turn my stereo up as loud as I could tolerate, and announce to the world what my musical interests were. Silly, I know. But the passive, subtle effort was the best way I knew to communicate to people that I enjoy music and this is the music I enjoy.

As I matured, I realized that was not the most effective or respectful method of communicating my musical tastes. Yet, music remains a window into my world. It’s a unifier and it evokes emotion. As an INFJ personality type, it allows me to flex my extroverted sensing muscle in a healthy way. Similar to nature, I am likely to immerse myself in the auditory cornucopia of sounds, lyrics, and chord progressions.

So I’m going to roll down my window, turn the stereo up, and share with you my curated soundtrack. Not only will I share the music that has resonated with me over the years, but also explore some of the reasons why I hold on to some artists and songs even today. I’ll move in chronological order, though you’ll notice that my musical tastes do not necessarily follow a linear path. Later this week, I’ll share with you the first music that captured my attention and why. I hope you come along for the ride!

First up: The warm smell of colitas!

Parenting The Personality: How to not lose your cool when your children are not like you.

I strongly believe that you find what you’re looking for in life. Some refer to this as the Tetris Effect. Simply put, we seek out things that are at the forefront of our conscious thoughts. When I purchased my first, new car, I distinctly remember thinking that I hadn’t spotted many of that make and model on the roads. However, that perception changed as soon as I drove the car off the lot. Suddenly, I started noticing every car of that make and model. It seemed as though they were everywhere. I had been actively searching for them.

Recently, I’ve been thinking and writing about our individual personalities. Sure enough, the more I think about how personalities influence our relationships in every aspect of life, the more I recognize the force personalities exert on our interactions with each other. This is especially true with those I’m closest to; those I know the best. Case in point, parenting my 16-year-old daughter.

As I’ve written about before, my MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) is INFJ. I’m an introverted (I), big-picture thinker (N) who views the world through feeling the human experience (F). When I make a decision, it’s after a lot of introspection and thinking about the impact those decisions have on those around me. When I do make a decision, I want closure (J). When I make plans, I don’t want them to change. And if they do change, I want three backup plans waiting in the wings.

My wife is an ISTJ. She’s introverted, just like I am. She lives in the minute details of life (S) and uses past experiences to best predict what will happen next (T). She has a determination to finish a job like nobody I’ve ever met before (J). She craves that closure. Now, let’s look at our daughter.

The child is an ENFP. She’s an extrovert and relies on interacting with the outside world to understand it (E). Like me, she’s a big-picture thinker (N) who views the world through feeling the human experience (F). However, where our child differs from us the most is in that last classification. The child prefers to fly by the seat of her pants (P). She’s brilliant; however, as her parents, we are constantly terrified because we are always questioning whether she’s planning for life appropriately. We perceive her preference to leave her options open until the last minute as being completely chaotic.

How does this manifest itself in real-world application as her parents? Let’s first look at how she approaches time management. At times, our daughter wants to do it all. She’s currently involved in two separate theater productions, taking three Advanced Placement classes at school, and attempts to lead a vibrant social life outside of those commitments. If her mother or I attempted to take on that much, we would approach things in different ways to manage the stress associated with that level of commitment. Though her mother and I would approach the management of that stress in a very structured way, seeking closure of individual tasks (J), the child is most comfortable making decisions at the last possible point in her thinking process. What would drive us crazy, allows her to feel most at ease. Here are two examples:

  • A musical artist recently announced a world tour. The child, and most of her friends, dutifully signed up for the pre-sale lottery. That was the extent of her planning. When she discovered this week that she had been chosen for the pre-sale lottery, she excitedly shared the news with us (E). Tickets would go on sale at 3 PM the next day. Of course, this led to a myriad of questions from us. How much are tickets? How are you going to pay for this? You want to go with friends, are they ready to fork over money tomorrow at 3 PM? You have rehearsal at 3PM tomorrow, how are you going to buy the tickets? All questions you would expect from parents who plan. Spoiler Alert: She hadn’t thought those things through.
  • My wife and I require an organized environment to feel most at ease (J). While never immaculate, our home is almost always tidy and put together. My wife specializes in organizing the minute details of our finances and planning our family activities. I ensure the kitchen stays clean after every meal and we always have clean clothes to wear. We both are methodical in completing these activities and do not tend to rest if there are loose ends. Enter our daughter, stage left. Our methodical approach to closure is completely foreign to the child’s spontaneous self. She loves to create. On a whim, she’ll head into the kitchen and without much guidance, start baking a cake. Once completed with the baking, it’s on to her next creative endeavor. The path of destruction left in the kitchen simply does not stress her out. She’ll get to it. Maybe. Eventually. If she doesn’t, it’s not causing her much stress from the lack of order and closure. Who is this alien?

None of this means that we don’t guide our daughter through things that are challenging. We are 100% invested in her creative pursuits. However, we recognize that a person cannot successfully navigate life while only focusing on their primary strengths and traits. Planning for contingencies can be very useful. Reaching closure on items is oftentimes necessary in life. Just ask your boss about that one. What understanding our daughter’s personality preferences helps us with is in reducing the frustration when the willful imp starts to blaze her own trail and do things herself. Her loose affiliation with sound time management techniques doesn’t mean that she’s doing things wrong. It just means that she does it differently than we do.

It’s no surprise that I encourage all parents to know their own MBTI, as well as those of their parenting partner and their children. I also encourage that we help our children understand their own MBTI. While personality isn’t the sole influencer of human behavior, it is a cornerstone to understanding the dynamic nature of human relationships. What is your own personality type? What about your significant other and children? How have personality types impacted your own familial relationships?

5 Things An INFJ Wants You To Understand

Many of you are familiar with personality assessments. If you’ve worked in corporate culture long enough, you’ve been exposed to some of these assessments. While there is certainly controversy in the scientific community as to the accuracy and validity of personality assessments, there’s a reason they’re commonly used.

I recently shared that my Myers-Briggs personality type is INFJ. INFJ is the rarest of the 16 possible combinations of attributes that the assessment evaluates, with an estimated 1%-2% of the world’s population falling into this category. INFJs are introverted and intuitive thinkers, and while they often times shut themselves off from the world to recharge their social batteries, they care deeply about others. In fact, the two most common titles given to INFJs are counselor and advocate. Here are a few things you should know about me, and other INFJs you will encounter in life.

We’re Peacemakers

As an INFJ, I crave harmony. This is true both in my personal relationships as well as professionally. This doesn’t mean we won’t make waves when the circumstances are right, but our default is to seek peace in our environment.

We Can Be Highly Sensitive

This sensitivity can manifest itself in different ways. My wife has compared me to a marshmallow peep on occasion. We are often highly sensitive to personal criticism, especially when initially receiving it. We’re usually connected in some way to the emotional state of those around us. It’s not surprising why many of us seek that harmony in our lives as a result.

We’re Not Shy

Yes, we are introverts. That certainly doesn’t mean that we’re socially inept. I can small talk with the best of them. The difference is that I don’t find enjoyment in small talk and it can drain the life force right out of me. I don’t want to talk about the weather. If I’m talking to you, I want to learn more about you as a person. And when I’m done, I need quiet. I need that time to go inside my own mind to think about all of that talking!

We Know Things Before We Can Articulate Why We Know Things

We tend to think intuitively. This doesn’t mean that our brain isn’t thinking a situation through. It just means that we are really good at picking up patterns before others do. If we tell you that we have a bad feeling about something, it’s in your best interest not to categorically brush it off. We may not be able to articulate the reasons immediately, but the reasons are most certainly there.

We’re Constantly Learning

Some people are thrill seekers. Some seek adventure. INFJs seek understanding. While some of us have an adventurous side, you’re more likely to find us with our noses in a book or staying in on a Friday night, watching a documentary on the history of origami. When we seek outside experiences, we seek connection. Sometimes we’ll ride that roller coaster with you, but we’re doing it to spend time with you…not the the adrenaline rush.

There’s so much more that INFJs want you to know. While we want to understand you better, many of us have made our way through life believing that we simply did not fit in with others. Because of this, we have a strong desire to be understood. Trying to understand ourselves better is what drove us to take that personality assessment in the first place. Are you interested in your own personality? A good place to start is at the website 16 Personalities. What would you want others to know about your personality?

Misfit

I am, at my core, a misfit. A well-disguised misfit, but a misfit nonetheless. What do I mean by a well-disguised misfit? I can pretend really well. I’ve become really good at pretending to be an extrovert. I’ve studied the Stoics and wrapped my arms around using logic and reason when solving problems. I’ve become pretty good at employing my elaborate masquerade, especially in work settings. Still, as adept as I’ve become at blending in with the rest of the world, more often than not, I struggle to feel like I belong and fit in with those around me.

Of course, there are exceptions. I never felt like I had to pretend with my parents. There have been a couple of jobs where I felt like I genuinely belonged. And for the past 19 years, I have had the fortune to be loved by an amazing woman. A woman who has been a refuge when I feel like the rest of the world just doesn’t understand me.

But why am I different? Why do I sometimes shut myself off from most of the people I know? Why can I calmly navigate a tragedy or crisis, but sometimes become an emotional mess when minor things don’t work out the way I planned? How can I see certain things about other people that others completely miss? Was I dropped as a baby? Am I simply an accumulation of my life experiences, shaping me into who I am today? Am I, at some level, a societal defect? While there may be some merit in exploring those hypotheses, my journal of self-awareness has me focused on another explanation. Is it possible that the answers to these questions have been under my nose my entire adult life?

I took my first Myers-Briggs assessment at 21, as part of my psychological evaluation when working my way through the hiring process to become a police officer. I was provided with my personality type, but nobody took the time to share with me what that meant. Throughout my career, I’ve taken other personality assessments. I’m a Blue. I’m a Dove. All the wisdom a 30-minute self-assessment could provide. While those exercises had some benefit, especially as I tried to learn about other people, nothing was presented on what those labels mean in relation to me and how I interact with the world. That all began to change a few months ago, when I revisited my Myers-Briggs personality type, INFJ-T. As I did more and more research into my personality type, I had an eureka moment. One particular explanation of the INFJ-T personality type made me question whether Oprah had conducted an exclusive interview with my psyche.

While personality type is not a fully comprehensive explanation as to “who” a person is, I do believe it is a cornerstone to understanding other people. It is a cornerstone to understanding ourselves. Personality doesn’t account for the nurture side of the nature vs. nurture debate. We are, at some level, a product of our experiences. But our personalities are the interface we use to relate to the world. An interface that determines how we react to the world.

How did learning more about my INFJ-T personality type help me answer why I often feel like a misfit? It starts by acknowledging that while INFJ is one of 16 different personality types, it is the rarest occurring personality type, with an estimated 1.5% of the world’s population falling into this category. The “N” in INFJ alone only occurs in about 30% of the world population. If distributed evenly, each of the 16 categories should be around 6.25% each. The reason I feel different than most people is because I AM different than most people. Not better than most people. Not worse than most people. Just…different.

Come along with me on my journey of self-discovery as I learn more about why I am who I am. As we make this journey, you will undoubtedly learn more about me. This won’t necessarily be easy for me. I have, after all, become adept at pretending to be like everyone else. It starts with a commitment to being brutally honest with myself. It starts with removing many of the masks I’ve chosen to wear over the years. My hope is that by the end of this journey, I’ll know more about myself. Maybe, as you follow along, you’ll better understand who I am. Maybe, you’ll even start to learn more about yourself.